Merry Christmas from the Willis'

“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of darkness a light has dawned.”

~Isaiah 9:2

 Dear Family and Friends,

Merry Christmas!  It’s hard to believe that another year is gone and behind us!  As I sit down to write this, we have 5 days left until we celebrate the birth of our Savior and the birth of hope into this world.  As we near the end of 2013, this is a good time to reflect on all that’s happened this year.  I think about Isaiah 9:2 and how well it sums up the conditions of mine and Shawn’s hearts right now.  This year has been a most difficult year for us and we have struggled greatly with many things, but yet we remember at Christmas, more than ever, that our lives do not remain in that darkness!

The most difficult part of this year has been the continued wait for God’s answer regarding children.  At the beginning of the summer, we prayerfully decided to move forward with adoption and “accept” (as best as one can) that we would not have biological children.  Almost immediately after deciding this, we both strongly felt the Lord leading us to actually wait a bit longer before starting the adoption process.  To be honest, it was a very frustrating time for me as I had just reached the point of “almost acceptance” that I wouldn’t be getting pregnant and was finally able to say, “Okay, Lord, we will adopt.”  And to have God pull us back from that after finally reaching that point of acceptance seemed nothing but cruel.  

But over these past few months, we have unmistakably seen His hand at work.  Our OB-GYN doctor left the office and we were forced to find a new one.  In God’s providence, we have found a wonderful and capable doctor to take over for us.  After meeting with him, he assured us that there is every possibility for us to get pregnant AND stay pregnant.  He was able to answer all of our questions regarding the difficulties we’ve had in the past.  And as crazy as that sounds, ALL of this happened within 2-3 weeks after our decision to adopt!  God has a way of putting our plans on hold, doesn’t He?  And so, we continue to wait and follow the Lord’s leading.  We don’t feel that God has “released” us to move forward with adoption and yet we continue to grieve month after month when we don’t get pregnant.  In light of this, please pray for us as we wait upon God’s will.  Our desire is to walk the path He has laid before us and to walk that path with faithful steps.  Please pray that our steps would not waiver and that we would unfailingly trust in God’s providence in this most precious area of our lives.

We will soon finish up our 3^rd year of ministry at Faith and West Friesland Churches.  We continue to see daily how the Lord is calling us to serve these two churches and we pray for the strength to serve Him well.  Just like any other ministry, we’ve experienced many ups and downs this past year.  God has not granted an easy year to our churches, but yet He continues to remain faithful in every way.  Please pray for Faith and West Friesland Churches as we move into another year.  Pray that Shawn and I would be rooted and established in love as we continue to minister to and serve the people in Iowa.  Pray that the churches (us included) would continue to grow in our knowledge of Christ and our desire to serve Him and each other.

We are continuing to learn that God is not only a God who provides us with joy in our happy times, but He is also a God who comforts and holds us close when we encounter life’s most heart-wrenching moments.  Praise be to God!

Rather than walk you step by step through the blessings of this past year, I'm going to consolidate several different events into a summary for you:  

January – Shawn turned 37.  I embarked on a “healthy lifestyle” journey at the beginning of the new year and have lost almost 20 pounds in 2013.  I continue to enjoy exercising and searching for healthier ways to cook for myself and for Shawn, while still avoiding a “rabbit food” diet.

February – We celebrated 5 years of marriage!  My wonderful husband planned a surprise get-away for me, and whisked me away to a hotel!  He even ordered chocolate-covered strawberries for me – my favorite!  Isn’t he great?  Also in February, I conducted a 40-Day fast from Facebook.  It was time well-spent with my Lord and I was truly blessed from it. 

March – We hosted an Easter Dinner at our house and served 23 people, including my parents!

April – My parents came back to visit, and brought my Grandma along too!  It was a wonderful visit!

May – We got about 10-12 inches of snow in early May.  Did I say we live in Iowa?  haha

June – My sister and her 3 kids came to visit for a week.  While here, Austin had a seizure and became unresponsive.  In God’s goodness, we got him to the nearest ER in time and he was soon air-lifted to Des Moines Children’s Hospital where he received excellent care.  He has suffered no lasting effects from the experience.  My sister’s week long stay turned into a 2-week stay as we waited for him to be released from the hospital and recover somewhat before traveling home.  The next day, Shawn and I traveled to St. Louis, Missouri with our Iowa Mission Team to work with the refugee population in South City St. Louis.

July – Our churches put on a Vacation Bible School.  Shawn was the teacher for the oldest group and I dressed in character each day to teach the children their Bible lessons.

August – I turned 32.  We took a much needed 2 week vacation.  One week was spent with family.  The other week, we spent alone in St. Louis.  While there, we had a visit with my awesome friend, Erin and her husband, Todd.  We hadn’t seen each other in over 2 years and the time was well-spent with lots of laughter.  We were also able to meet a long-time friend from our old church, Brooke.  She’s the perfect person to bring out a smile and we were encouraged after her visit.  She’s awesome!

October – My Uncle Jerry, Aunt Cheryl, and cousin Kristine came to visit for a weekend!  Shawn was very happy about this because he got to watch the St. Louis Cardinals play a very important game in their hotel room!  (For the record, he was also just happy to see them and the game was just an added bonus!) 

November – My parents and Grandma visited in early November.  I am so blessed to have a wonderful Grandma!  Long before the rest of the house was stirring, she was up sweeping my floors and doing my dishes.  I’ll never be too old to be spoiled by my Grandma!  In November, we also hosted a Thanksgiving Dinner.  My parents and my sister and 3 kids were able to come for the extended weekend.  It was a great time of laughing and relaxation, to be sure!

This year has not been without its difficulties, and at times it has felt as if nothing else existed, but you can see that God has truly blessed us in every way.  We are learning more and more every day that God does not promise us a life of pain-free ease but rather, He promises that there will be trouble and hardship but we will never be alone.  Shawn and I have experienced this first-hand and we are grateful for God’s continued blessing and provision in our lives.

We send our love and thank God for each of you!  May the new year bring each of us more opportunities to serve the Lord and seek His will!

Merry Christmas! 

Shawn and Melissa 

 

Where Life is Good

I had the privilege of going to AP auditorium tonight to hear Andy and Aaron Kampman speak.  What an awesome night it was!  I'm so glad I went!  They spoke about the blessings we have received from the Lord (among other things that they spoke on) and how we are not to keep those blessings to ourselves, but rather we are to pass them on to other people.  As Thanksgiving approaches, I couldn't help but write on here really quick.  It's been a long time since I've blogged and I'm writing this late at night...so I won't be proofing it like I normally would.  Please overlook the grammatical or spelling mistakes that I might forget to proof!  And know that this will definitely not be as well written as previous posts because it's just spilling out!  *smile*

I enjoyed the entire evening, but one thing in particular has captured my heart....and I can't stand to NOT write about it....so here I am at 10:30 on a Saturday night, blogging...because I won't be able to sleep until I do this!

DISCLAIMER:  This post is not for everyone.  Some may be offended and some may be confused.  If you are among those groups of people, please read this with an open heart and realize that this is a blog post about ME and my failings...but it may apply to you as well.  I encourage you to open your heart and be captured by this - just as I experienced earlier.

The Kampman's spoke about the blessings we are given in this life and explained that these blessings are NOT meant to be kept to ourselves.  Rather, they're to be shared with others...and he mentioned how often we fail at this.  Then one of the men spoke in a very quiet voice and addressed those in the audience who had been burned by the church, in one way or another.  He spoke about the fact that many people have shown up at church services all across this country, searching for the hope that we claim to have.  And when they entered the church doors, they were shown everything BUT love.  Maybe they were shunned, stared at, ignored, whispered about, spoken loudly about, embarrassed, or maybe even asked to leave.  This happens so often!  And then, one of the men said, "If this has happened to you, if you've been burned at church, then I want to apologize for that.  That is NOT what God's love is and that is NOT what God intends!"

When he said this, I was captured.  I immediately started thinking - "Have I ever done this?  Have I ever made a person feel unwelcome in God's house?"  I certainly hope not - but the answer would sadly be that YES, I have done this before.  Probably more times that I've known.  Have you?

When a stranger, or just an un-churched person, shows up at church, what is our first reaction?  Is it "What is SHE doing here?" or is it "It's SO good to see them in church!"  You see, our reactions guide our actions.  If we respond in shock that this person has even shown up, we will respond in the same way - in judgment.  But if we are just happy to see that person, nothing will stop us from walking right up to him/her and welcoming them into God's house.

And let me take it a step further.  How do we treat those in our midst who are our brothers and sisters in Christ?  Do we treat them as one created in the image of God?  Do we forgive wrongdoings?  Do we judge our fellow Christians, as though we are somehow superior and living a faultless life?  Do we look down on those who are different or maybe on someone who doesn't think the same way we do?  Again, what is our response?  What is my response?

We are given blessings in this life for a specific reason.  That reason is NOT to keep those blessings to ourselves and hoard them up so we'll have the good life.  That reason is so we will SHARE these blessings with others.  How can I, how can we, share these blessings if we're too busy judging?  God forgive me, God forgive us - for the times we have spread judgment, hate, anger, or ostricized a person because we saw ourselves as the superior Christian (whether in front of a non-Christian or a fellow brother/sister).  God forgive me, please.

I encourage you to think about your own life.  This revelation has hit me upside the head - just like I needed.  There are many times when I'm welcoming to strangers or to brothers and sisters in Christ, especially when it's easy.  But what about when it's NOT easy?  What about when we don't know the person, or what about when we know that this person is mad at us, or what about when we know this person is living in blatant sin?  Do we, do I, love that person anyway or do we treat them as the inferior?

And so I end by saying, "If I have ever made YOU feel unwelcome in God's house or in my life, please forgive me.  Forgive me for the superior attitude that a sinner like me has shown.  Forgive me for NOT being willing to look past your sins when my sins were obviously right in front of me.  Forgive me for failing to love you as God has commanded.  Forgive me."

This song, "Does Anybody Hear Her?" says it much better than I have.  Please listen to it.  It brings me to tears every time I hear it....because it's so true.  "Lofty glances from lofty people, who can't see past her scarlet letter....and they've never even met her."

I praise God for His blessings....and one of the greatest is love....and one of the other greatest is forgiveness.  Where there is love and forgiveness - life is good.

Thanks for listening,
Melissa

THAT Day

Lately, I just can’t get it out of my mind.  These days, there is nothing I want more.  It seems like my thoughts are captivated by it every minute of the day.

Last Sunday night, we attended the closing ceremonies for the Cedar Falls Bible Conference.  (Sidenote:  If you’ve never been to the CFBC, you are missing out big time!)  I have to admit that I was really tired that day and just kinda emotional…and quite honestly, I didn’t want to go that night.  But I am SO glad I did.  When we got to the Tabernacle, we quickly took our seats and waited for the service to start.  The Tabernacle was full of people who were ready to worship God…but I wasn’t ready.

And then the singing starts.  Now, if you don’t know me very well – then I should tell you how much I LOVE music.  God uses it to fill my heart when nothing else will!  I absolutely love singing!  So anyway, we start singing and being the “emotional, I don’t want to be here” person that I was that night, I didn’t start singing right away.  That never happens….never…ever!  I’m usually the one belting out the music, even if I can’t reach the high notes!  I was quite content to just listen and let myself stay in this unhappy state…but God didn’t want that.  We were singing through a medley when “What a Day That Will Be” came up on the screen.  Have you ever heard this song?  Wow – amazing! 

You see, I was kinda emotional because I’d been thinking again about the two children we have lost.  Tomorrow is the due date for our first baby and if he/she were here, we would be preparing for a 2^nd birthday party.  But instead, I picked up another bouquet of flowers and placed them at the altar today…as a memorial to the baby who was never born.  And so, this was on my mind when we left for the CFBC last Sunday.  This was the reason I didn’t feel like singing.  But then they played “What a Day That Will Be” and my eyes just filled with tears and my heart was overflowing.  With sadness, yes, but also with happiness. 

So…I started singing at the top of my crackling, crying voice, with the tears streaming down my face.  And then they segued into the next song, “Until Then”. 

At this point, my eyes were just dripping tears.  The pain of having two children in heaven and none with me has been unbearable these last few months.  Some days, it seems hard enough to just breathe, let alone live.  And some days, I just don’t care about anything.  I just want to be done with this life and be with my Jesus…and my children.  But that’s not happening right now.  So, when these songs came on the screen – it seemed like God had hand-picked them specifically for me to hear that night.  To hear and understand what He was telling me.

“What a day that will be when my Jesus I shall see.  When I look upon His face, the one Who saved me by His grace.”  But…”Until then, my heart will go on singing.  Until then, with joy I’ll carry on.  Until the day my eyes behold King Jesus.  Until the day, God calls me home.”

It’s okay to be “done” with this life. It’s okay to long for heaven.  It’s okay to miss those who have gone before us.  But it’s not okay to live my life as if I don’t care about anything.  It’s not okay to choose NOT to sing because I’m unhappy with my life’s circumstances.  It’s not okay!!

So today, I laid another bouquet of flowers before my Jesus and asked Him again to grant me my heart’s desire and to give me children.  I asked Him to help me understand what HIS plans for my life are because they're not connecting with my own.  I asked Him to give me joy to carry on.  I asked Him to give me a desire to keep on singing.

And He did….all of it!  Instead of spending my days sad and depressed that I have no children – I now look forward to THAT day.  Oh sure, I will always feel the heartache and the loss and I don’t think the pain will ever go away, not really.  But, I’m learning to focus more and more on THAT day.  What a day that will be!

So, if you’re struggling with life, remember that this is not the destination!  We’re passing through to a much better, much happier, much more glorious life!  Hang on – the trip won’t last much longer!

Lately, I just can’t get THAT day out of my mind.  These days, there is nothing I want more than THAT day.  It seems like my thoughts are captivated by THAT day every minute of the day. 

And I’m okay with that.

Thanks for listening,

Melissa

PS:  Happy 2^nd Birthday, Baby!  Momma loves you and can’t wait to see you!

I Hold Still

We recently returned from a mission trip to St. Louis, where our team worked with refugee children.  Before leaving, my heart was shattered and broken and weary from the struggle and the wait to have children.  I had been asking God for weeks, months, years to grant us our deepest desire and still He hadn’t granted it to us.  Why?

As I journeyed through our week in STL, I prayed to see God in the people to whom we ministered.  We mainly “loved on” refugee families.  Most of the people we worked with were from Liberia, Nepal, and Burma.  I loved absolutely every minute of my week in STL.  God took my broken and shattered, weary heart and showed me something bigger.  For 3 years, Shawn and I have prayed to our sovereign God and asked that He grant us the ability to have children.  And for 3 years, we have waited.  We got pregnant – twice, and then miscarried – twice.  And still we have waited. 

As I served in STL last week, I began to realize that I’ve been so stuck in my own lost dreams that I had stopped looking at God’s bigger kingdom view.  I was being a spiritual ostrich.  Go ahead and laugh but you know what I’m talking about.  We’ve all heard that when an ostrich is frightened or threatened, it will bury its own head in the sand.  I had buried my head in the sand and become so frightened of my own experiences that I was blind to all else.  (Now, I just looked this up on Wikipedia and found out that this is a huge myth…and that in fact, ostriches do not bury their heads in the sand.  But, it’s such a good example that I’m using it anyway – so play along, okay?) 

Well, we all know that God has a funny way of ripping our heads out of the sand.  Gently at first, but when we refuse the gentle method, He might just decide to use a more forceful method.  And guess who has refused this gentle prodding and remained determined to keep her ostrich head in the ground?  If you’re pointing to the screen (at me…kinda), then you would be right!  So, how did God rip my head out of the sand, you may ask?  By sending me to St. Louis!

I have been begging God, pleading with God, even crying before God to give us children.  And a couple of weeks ago, my eyes were finally opened (AKA – my ostrich head finally came up out of the ground) and I saw His bigger kingdom plan.  God didn’t just send me to STL to love on refugee children and be spiritually stretched.  He took me to STL to show me that I could love His children as my own children, even if they’re not my own flesh and blood.  He took me to STL to show me that I would LOVE to adopt His little children from all over the world!

As I tutored a little boy, Maung, in the mornings and played with the Bible Club kids at night, I would catch myself thinking, “I sure wish I could take these kids home with me.”  And that was the exact moment my ostrich head came up.  It dawned on me that I absolutely could bring children home to my home and love on them as my own children.  Not these kids, of course – but there are literally MILLIONS of children just waiting and hoping that someone will decide to love them.

I am so excited, even as I’m typing this.  I’ve only told a handful of people about this and I really just want to shout it out my front door for the whole world to hear….although nothing but the beans would hear me - but it’s still tempting!  WE ARE GOING TO ADOPT….and yes, it’s official!  We made the official, no-turning-back-now decision when we got home from STL!  My sweet husband has been ready for a long time, but he’s had to wait for me to come around.  In complete honesty, my heart jumps at this decision – but it still aches.  I know that if we walk away from pursuing pregnancy now that we may never have this opportunity again – and I’m beginning to be okay with that.  I know that I might never get to experience what a woman has been created to experience in carrying and delivering a child.  I know these things – and the pain is huge – but God has shown me the bigger kingdom picture. 

Why have I waited so long to have children when there are so many children around the world with nowhere to call home?  Why have I been so determined within my ostrich-self to become pregnant and in doing so, neglected what God has been showing me all along?  I’m not pretending that this will be easy – in fact, I know it will be harder than I even know.  But I think I’m finally ready to give up my dream and grab God’s dream for me, for us…I’m terrified and excited, but confident that God is calling us down this road.

As Shawn and I begin this road to adoption, I think of a poem that a good friend, Jennah, posted to her blog recently.  So often, we can look at our suffering and pain and refuse to be changed.  I know that I’ve refused to be changed by God regarding children.  In my mind, there was ONE way to have children and it was going to happen.  But God held me in the refiner’s fire just a little bit longer to show me that there is another way.  I’m still in the refiner’s fire and I’m praying that I would hold still long enough for God to complete His molding on me. 

Would you pray for me?  For Shawn?  For us?  Some days, I don’t think I can take much more of God’s blow-on-blow molding love.  I still struggle with what I might never experience as a woman.  Will you pray that God would give me peace about this new journey He’s sending us on?  Would you pray for wisdom as we will be choosing an adoption agency very soon?  Please also pray that we would know which country God would have us adopt from and how many children He would have us adopt.  God is holding me in His fire.  Pray that I would just hold still….and let God work.

Here’s the poem from my friend’s website:

I Hold Still

By Julius Sturm

Pain’s furnace heat within me quivers,

God’s breath upon the flame doth blow,

And all my heart in anguish shivers,

And trembles at the fiery glow:

And yet I whisper, As God will!

And in his hottest fire hold still.

He comes and lays my heart, all heated,

On the hard anvil, minded so

Into his own fair shape to beat it

With his great hammer, blow on blow:

And yet I whisper, As God will!

And at his heaviest blows hold still.

He takes my softened heart and beats it,

The sparks fly off at every blow;

He turns it o’er and o’er, and heats it,

And lets it cool, and makes it glow:

And yet I whisper, As God will!

And, in his mighty hand, hold still.

Why should I murmur? For the sorrow

Thus only longer-lived would be;

Its end may come, and will, tomorrow,

When God has done his work in me;

So I say, trusting, As God will!

And, trusting to the end, hold still.

He kindles for my profit purely

Affliction’s glowing fiery brand,

And all his heaviest blows are surely

Inflicted by a Master-hand:

So I say, praying, As God will!

And hope in him, and suffer still.

Thanks for listening!

Melissa

Unfathomable Love

I heard this song earlier on Christian radio while I was doing the laundry.  I had forgotten how good it is.  The Father’s love is so deep – we cannot even fathom.  The last part of the song says, “Why should I gain from His reward?  I cannot give an answer.” 

My mind has been full today of this great blessing and I can’t think of anything I would rather have stuck in my head right now.  Thanking God tonight, for the ultimate gift – the gift of salvation and His unconditional love!

He Loves Me...He Loves Me Not

“The child we had, but never had, and yet will have forever.”

This is taken from a poem I found right after we lost our second baby in October.  It has been on my mind a lot today.  I celebrate today the child we had, but never had, and yet will have forever.  I also mourn today this same fact.  May 2^nd will be seen as a reminder to me that God has provided for my baby in every possible way.  This child will never live in this world and feel the pains of evil, loss, or rejection.  Instead, my child will know only the joys of being in God’s presence always and forever.  And so, I celebrate…

On Sunday, I will put a bouquet of flowers at the front of one of our churches and place it before God.  When I could and should have a baby in my arms, all I will hold is flowers.  Oh sure, the flowers will be beautiful – but they’re just flowers…empty eye-pleasures that will soon wilt and die.  What I want to hold is this baby that I held for a short time within me.  But instead - all I have is flowers.

And so, I’ll take these flowers and lay them down at the feet of Jesus and pledge again to Him that I will live my life for Him and Him alone – no matter the cost.  Do I even know what that means?  Does anyone really know what that means?  I guess I’m still learning.  I’m still learning what it means to wholly abandon the desires of my heart and chase only after the desires of His heart.  I’m still learning how to overcome my sin struggles and focus only on Him.  I often don’t do it well – and sometimes, I don’t do it at all…but I’m trying.

And in moments like this, when you expect a baby and only have flowers – you may wonder if God sees your efforts to live for Him.  Does He see that I am only holding flowers in my arms?  Doesn’t He see that I’m laying before His feet a bouquet instead of a baby?  Does He even care?

YES!  The answer is “yes” every time.  Because He loves me, He has given me a bouquet of flowers.  Because He loves me, He took this child of mine, along with another, into His presence.  And let me tell you – it doesn’t make any sense to me.  I don’t get it.  And you know what?  I don’t have to get it.  I just have to lay it down – as He asks us to do.

So, on Sunday when I place those beautiful flowers in front of the cross and smell the sweet scent from each one, I will count my blessings – as a lover counts flower petals. 

He loves me…He loves me not…He loves me…He loves me not. 

I will look at those flowers and see in them the sweet fragrance of Him whose scent never grows old. 

He loves me…He loves me…He loves me…He loves me…

He loves me and my babies SO much that He took them from this sin-painted world and placed them in the beautiful fields of heaven. 

Happy birthday to my second baby…now we have two children to meet on that grand day in heaven!  These are the children we had, but never had, yet will have forever!

He loves me…

Melissa

Meltdown

“So, are you excited about your new arrival?”

“What do you mean?”

“Isn’t your wife expecting a baby any day now?”

“Oh yes, I understand now.  No, Melissa had a miscarriage a few months ago.”

This is the conversation I heard as Shawn walked down the hallway for his dentist appointment this afternoon.  You know, I was expecting to wait quietly for Shawn’s exam to be done and read a book until it was my turn.  Instead, that hour was spent thinking about the “alternate time line” that my life could have been.

I don’t think I’ve been in a similar situation before where everything fit right into place - except me.  I remember making the appointment 6 months ago and deliberately scheduling it before my due date so I would have it out of the way.  I remember being excited when I told them that I couldn’t have any x-rays done because I was finally pregnant again.  I remember them saying, “Boy, you’re sure going to look different when we see you next!”  I remember that last appointment and it was lots of fun.

Fast forward 6 months, and we’re back in the dentist office today waiting for our appointments.  As we walked in, I remembered the last appointment but didn’t think much about the pregnancy because it was over now.  Everyone in my life knows that I’m not pregnant anymore so I no longer have those awkward moments when people ask about the pregnancy and then feel awful when they find out about the miscarriage.  Well, I forgot about the dentist.

Shawn disappeared behind the door and I was left sitting in the waiting room – feeling empty and alone…literally.  I realized that they expected me to walk through the door and be about 37 weeks pregnant…and I wasn’t prepared for the onslaught of emotions that would come flooding into my head when I heard the above conversation.  I had a meltdown…and I mean, big time.  Not the kind where someone is wailing loudly and sobbing uncontrollably.  No, this was the kind of meltdown that no one would even know I was having because I kept it all inside.  It was the type of meltdown that tells you how much of a failure your intentions have turned out to be.  The type that says, “What were you thinking?  That’s not for you!”

I sat in the waiting room chair and just became lost in myself.  Why? – after 6 months of “healing” – why would this happen at the dentist office?  I only wish I knew.  The hour I spent waiting for my appointment time was a very productive hour…at least emotionally.  Let me explain why…

I’m reading a book right now called Anything by Jennie Allen.  I LOVE this book.  It’s funny yet painfully honest about our Christian walk.  So, as I’m having this emotional meltdown, I read the following from the book:

“Michelle and her husband had been trying to get pregnant for a long time.  She was aching.  As many of her friends went through multiple pregnancies, she sat watching and waiting.  We talked about God and unfulfilled dreams and wrestled with the unsettling fact that God makes babies and yet, for some reason, he wasn’t giving them one.  But I sensed there was something under all the pain, something she wasn’t saying.  I asked her, ‘What is the hardest part, Michelle?’  ‘I just feel so different from everyone, from all my friends moving on with their lives.’”

As I read that, I wanted to scream, “YES!”  That’s it!  I’m falling apart inside because I want to be normal and God isn’t letting me be normal.  Oh sure, I want a baby and that is the ultimate driving force behind the pain…but I want to be normal and get to enjoy the normal life that I’ve created for myself inside of my head.

I have a friend from college, Susan, who introduced me to a book that has literally changed my life.  It’s called Though None Go With Me by Jerry B. Jenkins.  It’s the story of a woman who determines to make her life an experiment in obedience to God.  Elisabeth Grace LeRoy promises to deepen her commitment and follow Christ, no matter the cost.  Here is the beginning of the story:

“Dr Hasper paused and looked from face to face.  ‘Beloved, wherever I go I encounter Christians with one foot in the kingdom and the other in the world.  Where are the Joshuas who will choose to unashamedly serve the Lord God and have the courage to so say?  I challenge you, make some decision.  Are you in or out, enlisted or AWOL, on fire for God or only lukewarm?  Do you remember Henry Varley’s pronouncement to D.L. Moody?  ‘The world has yet to see what God can do through a man wholly consecrated to him.’  Will you stand for Christ by God’s grace even if you have to stand alone?  Would you make the rest of your life an experiment in obedience?’”

I remember reading this and being drawn in to what I was reading (little did I know that this was the Holy Spirit doing His thing).  As a college girl, I was captivated by the thought of living a life wholly abandoned to God, forsaking all else.  And the night I read that, I vowed to God that my life would be an experiment in obedience to him.  That I would stand for Christ by God’s grace even if I had to stand alone.

But just like Elisabeth, I thought it was all fireworks and celebration.  I wasn’t thinking about the trials that God had planned for my future years as His child.  I just remember sitting in Susan’s chair in her dorm room – and sobbing at the conviction I felt to live my life wholly for Christ…and I was pumped at the thought of it.  In my ignorance, I was convinced that I could actually do this – what was I thinking?

In this same book, a pastor prays for Elisabeth as she begins her journey:

“Fairest Lord Jesus, to you who promise to be both father and mother to the orphan, I plead for a touch on Elisabeth’s life.  She seeks a closer walk.  May she be willing despite a cost you never reveal in advance, lest we faint at the weight of it.  May she follow completely the one in whom there is no change, neither shadow of turning.”

Praise God that we don’t know the future, lest we faint at the weight of it.  Praise God that I had no idea what the next 15 years of my life would hold as I sat there, dedicating my very existence to this God.  Praise God I had no idea that He would have me wait for 8 more years before marrying Shawn.  Praise God I had no idea that I would still be waiting for children.  Would I have jumped in, headfirst, into this life of obedience if I had known the cost?  No – which is why I’m thankful that God doesn’t reveal these things in advance.

Fast forward to today and I’m reading Anything and this is the last paragraph of the chapter:

“Somehow I thought most of my life following God was not supposed to be too costly.  Following God is flat costly.  It always has been.  It doesn’t make sense to us, but since this life, these few years, are not the climax from God’s perspective, he’s okay throwing a little wrench into the short plans we have to be normal here.”

What would I have done years ago, sitting in Susan's chair, if I’d known what my life’s journey to this point would be like?  I’m glad I’ll never know.  But this I know – I’ve never regretted surrendering my life to this Christ who saved me.  I’ve never looked back and wished I’d taken the other road.  If I had to go back and do it again, I would still choose this life’s journey for myself despite the fact that I knew what was coming.  Why?  Because there are so many other things in these last 15 years, apart from the heartache, that have made this life for me a precious thing. 

In the last 15 years, I’ve become an aunt five times over.  I’ve had the opportunity to “long-term” babysit for my two nephews and form a close bond with each one.  I’ve watched my sister commit her life to Christ and begin her own faith journey.  I’ve watched my brother become a successful businessman who is capable and most qualified to perform any and every task given to him in the business world.  I’ve watched both my brother and sister get married and have happy marriages.  I’ve experienced the unique and never-to-be-replaced experience of teaching young children in a classroom setting.  I’ve watched good friends fall in love, get married, and have children.  I’ve watched other good friends learn what it means to wait and trust in God, and been able to share this with them.  I’ve married the greatest man I know and now have a wonderful life with him.  I’ve watched my husband graduate from seminary, get licensed and ordained, and become a pastor – his calling and dream.  I’ve had the experience of creating a whole new life in a new place and gotten to meet many new people.  I’ve served on multiple missions trips to multiple places and seen God work in the lives of other people.  I’ve been a junior high church camp counselor and seen the next generation of Christ-followers learning about Him and having a blast doing it.

Oh yes, these last many years have been filled with the heartache of waiting, loneliness, emptiness, uncertainty – but this life I have is also overflowing with the blessings God has given me!

So, that meltdown I had was just a symptom of the bigger picture.  This life is costly if lived for Christ.  I WILL experience heartache and pain.  I WILL be different simply because God lives in me.  But praise God for this – and that HE is the one who weaves the tapestry of our lives to create a beautiful creation.

Is my life as an experiment in obedience to Christ – you bet it is!  And by God’s grace, I will continue on…

"In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."  John 16:33

This one-minute song says it all...check it out!

Melissa