Saturday, August 10, 2013


Lately, I just can’t get it out of my mind.  These days, there is nothing I want more.  It seems like my thoughts are captivated by it every minute of the day.

Last Sunday night, we attended the closing ceremonies for the Cedar Falls Bible Conference.  (Sidenote:  If you’ve never been to the CFBC, you are missing out big time!)  I have to admit that I was really tired that day and just kinda emotional…and quite honestly, I didn’t want to go that night.  But I am SO glad I did.  When we got to the Tabernacle, we quickly took our seats and waited for the service to start.  The Tabernacle was full of people who were ready to worship God…but I wasn’t ready.

And then the singing starts.  Now, if you don’t know me very well – then I should tell you how much I LOVE music.  God uses it to fill my heart when nothing else will!  I absolutely love singing!  So anyway, we start singing and being the “emotional, I don’t want to be here” person that I was that night, I didn’t start singing right away.  That never happens….never…ever!  I’m usually the one belting out the music, even if I can’t reach the high notes!  I was quite content to just listen and let myself stay in this unhappy state…but God didn’t want that.  We were singing through a medley when “What a Day That Will Be” came up on the screen.  Have you ever heard this song?  Wow – amazing! 

You see, I was kinda emotional because I’d been thinking again about the two children we have lost.  Tomorrow is the due date for our first baby and if he/she were here, we would be preparing for a 2nd birthday party.  But instead, I picked up another bouquet of flowers and placed them at the altar today…as a memorial to the baby who was never born.  And so, this was on my mind when we left for the CFBC last Sunday.  This was the reason I didn’t feel like singing.  But then they played “What a Day That Will Be” and my eyes just filled with tears and my heart was overflowing.  With sadness, yes, but also with happiness. 

So…I started singing at the top of my crackling, crying voice, with the tears streaming down my face.  And then they segued into the next song, “Until Then”. 

At this point, my eyes were just dripping tears.  The pain of having two children in heaven and none with me has been unbearable these last few months.  Some days, it seems hard enough to just breathe, let alone live.  And some days, I just don’t care about anything.  I just want to be done with this life and be with my Jesus…and my children.  But that’s not happening right now.  So, when these songs came on the screen – it seemed like God had hand-picked them specifically for me to hear that night.  To hear and understand what He was telling me.

“What a day that will be when my Jesus I shall see.  When I look upon His face, the one Who saved me by His grace.”  But…”Until then, my heart will go on singing.  Until then, with joy I’ll carry on.  Until the day my eyes behold King Jesus.  Until the day, God calls me home.”

It’s okay to be “done” with this life. It’s okay to long for heaven.  It’s okay to miss those who have gone before us.  But it’s not okay to live my life as if I don’t care about anything.  It’s not okay to choose NOT to sing because I’m unhappy with my life’s circumstances.  It’s not okay!!

So today, I laid another bouquet of flowers before my Jesus and asked Him again to grant me my heart’s desire and to give me children.  I asked Him to help me understand what HIS plans for my life are because they're not connecting with my own.  I asked Him to give me joy to carry on.  I asked Him to give me a desire to keep on singing.

And He did….all of it!  Instead of spending my days sad and depressed that I have no children – I now look forward to THAT day.  Oh sure, I will always feel the heartache and the loss and I don’t think the pain will ever go away, not really.  But, I’m learning to focus more and more on THAT day.  What a day that will be!

So, if you’re struggling with life, remember that this is not the destination!  We’re passing through to a much better, much happier, much more glorious life!  Hang on – the trip won’t last much longer!

Lately, I just can’t get THAT day out of my mind.  These days, there is nothing I want more than THAT day.  It seems like my thoughts are captivated by THAT day every minute of the day. 

And I’m okay with that.

Thanks for listening,

PS:  Happy 2nd Birthday, Baby!  Momma loves you and can’t wait to see you!