He Loves Me...He Loves Me Not

“The child we had, but never had, and yet will have forever.”

This is taken from a poem I found right after we lost our second baby in October.  It has been on my mind a lot today.  I celebrate today the child we had, but never had, and yet will have forever.  I also mourn today this same fact.  May 2^nd will be seen as a reminder to me that God has provided for my baby in every possible way.  This child will never live in this world and feel the pains of evil, loss, or rejection.  Instead, my child will know only the joys of being in God’s presence always and forever.  And so, I celebrate…

On Sunday, I will put a bouquet of flowers at the front of one of our churches and place it before God.  When I could and should have a baby in my arms, all I will hold is flowers.  Oh sure, the flowers will be beautiful – but they’re just flowers…empty eye-pleasures that will soon wilt and die.  What I want to hold is this baby that I held for a short time within me.  But instead - all I have is flowers.

And so, I’ll take these flowers and lay them down at the feet of Jesus and pledge again to Him that I will live my life for Him and Him alone – no matter the cost.  Do I even know what that means?  Does anyone really know what that means?  I guess I’m still learning.  I’m still learning what it means to wholly abandon the desires of my heart and chase only after the desires of His heart.  I’m still learning how to overcome my sin struggles and focus only on Him.  I often don’t do it well – and sometimes, I don’t do it at all…but I’m trying.

And in moments like this, when you expect a baby and only have flowers – you may wonder if God sees your efforts to live for Him.  Does He see that I am only holding flowers in my arms?  Doesn’t He see that I’m laying before His feet a bouquet instead of a baby?  Does He even care?

YES!  The answer is “yes” every time.  Because He loves me, He has given me a bouquet of flowers.  Because He loves me, He took this child of mine, along with another, into His presence.  And let me tell you – it doesn’t make any sense to me.  I don’t get it.  And you know what?  I don’t have to get it.  I just have to lay it down – as He asks us to do.

So, on Sunday when I place those beautiful flowers in front of the cross and smell the sweet scent from each one, I will count my blessings – as a lover counts flower petals. 

He loves me…He loves me not…He loves me…He loves me not. 

I will look at those flowers and see in them the sweet fragrance of Him whose scent never grows old. 

He loves me…He loves me…He loves me…He loves me…

He loves me and my babies SO much that He took them from this sin-painted world and placed them in the beautiful fields of heaven. 

Happy birthday to my second baby…now we have two children to meet on that grand day in heaven!  These are the children we had, but never had, yet will have forever!

He loves me…

Melissa