And a vision appeared to Paul in the night: a man of Macedonia was standing there, urging him and saying, "Come over to Macedonia and help us." And when Paul had seen the vision, immediately we sought to go on into Macedonia, concluding that God had called us to preach the gospel to them.
Acts 16:9-10
I heard this song earlier on Christian radio while I was
doing the laundry.I had forgotten how
good it is.The Father’s love is so deep
– we cannot even fathom.The last part
of the song says, “Why should I gain from His reward?I cannot give an answer.”
My mind has been full today of this great blessing and I
can’t think of anything I would rather have stuck in my head right now.Thanking God tonight, for the ultimate gift –
the gift of salvation and His unconditional love!
“The child we had, but never had, and yet will have forever.”
This is taken from a poem I found right after we lost our
second baby in October.It has been on
my mind a lot today.I celebrate today
the child we had, but never had, and yet will have forever.I also mourn today this same fact.May 2nd will be seen as a reminder
to me that God has provided for my baby in every possible way.This child will never live in this world and
feel the pains of evil, loss, or rejection.Instead, my child will know only the joys of being in God’s presence
always and forever.And so, I celebrate…
On Sunday, I will put a bouquet of flowers at the front of
one of our churches and place it before God.When I could and should have a baby in my arms, all I will hold is
flowers.Oh sure, the flowers will be
beautiful – but they’re just flowers…empty eye-pleasures that will soon wilt
and die.What I want to hold is this
baby that I held for a short time within me.But instead - all I have is flowers.
And so, I’ll take these flowers and lay them down at the
feet of Jesus and pledge again to Him that I will live my life for Him and Him
alone – no matter the cost.Do I even
know what that means?Does anyone really know what that
means?I guess I’m still learning.I’m still learning what it means to wholly
abandon the desires of my heart and chase only after the desires of His
heart.I’m still learning how to
overcome my sin struggles and focus only on Him.I often don’t do it well – and sometimes, I
don’t do it at all…but I’m trying.
And in moments like this, when you expect a baby and only
have flowers – you may wonder if God sees your efforts to live for Him.Does He see that I am only holding flowersin my arms?Doesn’t He see that I’m laying before His
feet a bouquet instead of a baby?Does
He even care?
YES!The answer is
“yes” every time.Because He loves me, He has given me a bouquet of flowers.Because
He loves me, He took this child of mine, along with another, into His
presence.And let me tell you – it
doesn’t make any sense to me.I don’t
get it.And you know what?I don’t have to get it.I just have to lay it down – as He asks us to
do.
So, on Sunday when I place those beautiful flowers in front
of the cross and smell the sweet scent from each one, I will count my blessings
– as a lover counts flower petals.
He loves me…He loves
me not…He loves me…He loves me not.
I will look at those flowers and see in them the sweet
fragrance of Him whose scent never grows old.
He loves me…He loves
me…He loves me…He loves me…
He loves me and my babies SO much that He took them from
this sin-painted world and placed them in the beautiful fields of heaven.
Happy birthday to my second baby…now we have two children to
meet on that grand day in heaven!These
are the children we had, but never had, yet will have forever!
“Oh yes, I understand now.No, Melissa had a miscarriage a few months ago.”
This is the conversation I heard as Shawn walked down the
hallway for his dentist appointment this afternoon.You know, I was expecting to wait quietly for
Shawn’s exam to be done and read a book until it was my turn.Instead, that hour was spent thinking about
the “alternate time line” that my life could have been.
I don’t think I’ve been in a similar situation before where
everything fit right into place - except me.I remember making the appointment 6 months ago and deliberately
scheduling it before my due date so I would have it out of the way.I remember being excited when I told them
that I couldn’t have any x-rays done because I was finally pregnant again.I remember them saying, “Boy, you’re sure
going to look different when we see you next!”I remember that last appointment and it was lots of fun.
Fast forward 6 months, and we’re back in the dentist office
today waiting for our appointments.As
we walked in, I remembered the last appointment but didn’t think much about the
pregnancy because it was over now.Everyone in my life knows that I’m not pregnant anymore so I no longer
have those awkward moments when people ask about the pregnancy and then feel
awful when they find out about the miscarriage.Well, I forgot about the dentist.
Shawn disappeared behind the door and I was left sitting in
the waiting room – feeling empty and alone…literally.I realized that they expected me to walk
through the door and be about 37 weeks pregnant…and I wasn’t prepared for the
onslaught of emotions that would come flooding into my head when I heard the
above conversation.I had a meltdown…and
I mean, big time.Not the kind where
someone is wailing loudly and sobbing uncontrollably.No, this was the kind of meltdown that no one
would even know I was having because I kept it all inside.It was the type of meltdown that tells you
how much of a failure your intentions have turned out to be.The type that says, “What were you
thinking?That’s not for you!”
I sat in the waiting room chair and just became lost in
myself.Why? – after 6 months of
“healing” – why would this happen at the dentist office?I only wish I knew.The hour I spent waiting for my appointment
time was a very productive hour…at least emotionally.Let me explain why…
I’m reading a book right now called Anything by
Jennie Allen.I LOVE this book.It’s funny yet painfully honest about our
Christian walk.So, as I’m having this
emotional meltdown, I read the following from the book:
“Michelle and her husband had been trying to get pregnant
for a long time.She was aching.As many of her friends went through multiple
pregnancies, she sat watching and waiting.We talked about God and unfulfilled dreams and wrestled with the
unsettling fact that God makes babies and yet, for some reason, he wasn’t
giving them one.But I sensed there was
something under all the pain, something she wasn’t saying.I asked her, ‘What is the hardest part,
Michelle?’‘I just feel so different
from everyone, from all my friends moving on with their lives.’”
As I read that, I wanted to scream, “YES!”That’s it!I’m falling apart inside because I want to be normal and God isn’t letting me be normal.Oh sure, I want a
baby and that is the ultimate driving force behind the pain…but I want to be
normal and get to enjoy the normal life that I’ve created for myself inside of my
head.
I have a friend from college, Susan, who introduced me to a
book that has literally changed my life.It’s called Though None Go With Me by Jerry B. Jenkins.It’s the story of a woman who determines to
make her life an experiment in obedience to God.Elisabeth Grace LeRoy promises to deepen her
commitment and follow Christ, no matter the cost.Here is the beginning of the story:
“Dr Hasper paused and looked from face to face.‘Beloved, wherever I go I encounter
Christians with one foot in the kingdom and the other in the world.Where are the Joshuas who will choose to
unashamedly serve the Lord God and have the courage to so say?I challenge you, make some decision.Are you in or out, enlisted or AWOL, on fire
for God or only lukewarm?Do you
remember Henry Varley’s pronouncement to D.L. Moody?‘The world has yet to see what God can do
through a man wholly consecrated to him.’Will you stand for Christ by God’s grace even if you have to stand
alone?Would you make the rest of your life
an experiment in obedience?’”
I remember reading this and being drawn in to what I was
reading (little did I know that this was the Holy Spirit doing His thing).As a college girl, I was captivated by the
thought of living a life wholly abandoned to God, forsaking all else.And the night I read that, I vowed to God
that my life would be an experiment in obedience to him.That I would stand for Christ by God’s grace
even if I had to stand alone.
But just like Elisabeth, I thought it was all fireworks and
celebration.I wasn’t thinking about the
trials that God had planned for my future years as His child.I just remember sitting in Susan’s chair in
her dorm room – and sobbing at the conviction I felt to live my life wholly for
Christ…and I was pumped at the thought of it.In my ignorance, I was convinced that I could actually do this – what
was I thinking?
In this same book, a pastor prays for Elisabeth as she
begins her journey:
“Fairest Lord Jesus, to you who promise to be both father
and mother to the orphan, I plead for a touch on Elisabeth’s life.She seeks a closer walk.May she be willing despite a cost you never
reveal in advance, lest we faint at the weight of it.May she follow completely the one in whom
there is no change, neither shadow of turning.”
Praise God that we don’t know the future, lest we faint at
the weight of it.Praise God that I had
no idea what the next 15 years of my life would hold as I sat there, dedicating
my very existence to this God.Praise
God I had no idea that He would have me wait for 8 more years before marrying
Shawn.Praise God I had no idea that I
would still be waiting for children.Would I have jumped in, headfirst, into this life of obedience if I had
known the cost?No – which is why I’m
thankful that God doesn’t reveal these things in advance.
Fast forward to today and I’m reading Anything and
this is the last paragraph of the chapter:
“Somehow I thought most of my life following God was not
supposed to be too costly.Following God
is flat costly.It always has been.It doesn’t make sense to us, but since this
life, these few years, are not the climax from God’s perspective, he’s okay
throwing a little wrench into the short plans we have to be normal here.”
What would I have done years ago, sitting in Susan's chair, if I’d known what my
life’s journey to this point would be like?I’m glad I’ll never know.But this I know – I’ve never regretted
surrendering my life to this Christ who saved me.I’ve never looked back and wished I’d taken
the other road.If I had to go back and
do it again, I would still choose this life’s journey for myself despite
the fact that I knew what was coming.Why?Because there are so many
other things in these last 15 years, apart from the heartache, that have made
this life for me a precious thing.
In the last 15 years, I’ve become an aunt five times
over.I’ve had the opportunity to
“long-term” babysit for my two nephews and form a close bond with each
one.I’ve watched my sister commit her
life to Christ and begin her own faith journey.I’ve watched my brother become a successful businessman who is capable
and most qualified to perform any and every task given to him in the business
world.I’ve watched both my brother and
sister get married and have happy marriages.I’ve experienced the unique and never-to-be-replaced experience of
teaching young children in a classroom setting.I’ve watched good friends fall in love, get married, and have
children.I’ve watched other good
friends learn what it means to wait and trust in God, and been able to share
this with them.I’ve married the
greatest man I know and now have a wonderful life with him.I’ve watched my husband graduate from
seminary, get licensed and ordained, and become a pastor – his calling and
dream.I’ve had the experience of
creating a whole new life in a new place and gotten to meet many new
people.I’ve served on multiple missions
trips to multiple places and seen God work in the lives of other people.I’ve been a junior high church camp counselor
and seen the next generation of Christ-followers learning about Him and having
a blast doing it.
Oh yes, these last many years have been filled with the
heartache of waiting, loneliness, emptiness, uncertainty – but this life I have
is also overflowing with the blessings God has given me!
So, that meltdown I had was just a symptom of the bigger
picture.This life iscostly
if lived for Christ.I WILL experience
heartache and pain.I WILL be different simply
because God lives in me.But praise God
for this – and that HE is the one who weaves the tapestry of our lives to
create a beautiful creation.
Is my life as an experiment in obedience to Christ – you bet
it is!And by God’s grace, I will
continue on…
"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
When I started this Facebook fasting journey, I really was
expecting some great revelation to drop right into my lap concerning the
questions of this life.Now I realize
that won’t be the case – at all.I’ve
been rather disappointed in the last few weeks that I haven’t been given any
clear direction in our lives concerning future children.It’s been frustrating, to say the least – and
sometimes even maddening.
But some things have happened in the last couple of weeks to
remind me that although I haven’t been given THE answer I’m looking for, I’ve
been given so much more.I’ll start with
a couple of weekends ago…
Shawn had a Presbytery meeting in Des Moines and was going to be gone Friday
night and all of Saturday.So, my sister
and I got this wild idea to “meet in the middle” and see each other for the
weekend.It worked out GREAT!We had a fantastic time and it was so good to
see her and the kids.What I learned
from that weekend:Jess and I can pack
up an entire hotel room (clothes, toys, food, toiletries, everything) and move to another one in less than 1 hour (long
story), Derek is really good at splashing in pools and jumping from the hot tub
to the cold pool without screaming, Calleigh always wants “to go to the beach”
(AKA – the swimming pool), Austin is now walking and will get into ANYTHING
within his reach and would be happy to live on a diet of Fruit Loops, I always miss Shawn even if we’re only apart for 2 days.Anyway, I digress…
I got a call on Saturday night from Shawn telling me that
the weather forecast was calling for LOTS of snow and sleet on Sunday morning…great.He told me to think about the possibility of
driving home in the morning instead of the afternoon.Now, you have to know my stubborn
determination and my lonely heart when I’m away from my sister, but my first
thought was, “And miss out on the last 4 hours of sister time?No way!I’ll be fine, even if I have to slide my way home.”My wonderful husband who knows me so well
said the following, even before I had voiced what I was thinking, “I don’t want
you driving home in a snow and sleet storm just so you can spend a few more
hours with Jess and the kids.”Busted.So, I promise Shawn that
I’ll check the weather in the morning and leave if I really need to (secretly
knowing that a blizzard warning would still not be a good enough reason to leave early).
In case you’re wondering how this detailed story fits in
with my fasting journey, let me explain.I began to realize (or rather I was reminded again) that God is IN every
single detail of my life and that He even CARES about the small things.For instance, I wake up the next morning
super early to check the weather and see that the forecast has changed.The snow and sleet shouldn’t hit Ackley area
until 4 PM.I did a little dance in the
bed right there (quietly of course, so Calleigh-the-bed-hog wouldn’t wake
up)…and I’m reminded that God even cares about the last few hours I have with
my sister.
I have a four hour drive home so we plan to check out at
noon…and much to Derek and Calleigh’s dismay, we did NOT have time to go
swimming again because Aunt Melissa had to hit the road (and we had to check
out on time).After a wonderful weekend,
we give hugs and kisses all around, strap the kids in, load the cars, and take
off.I am barely outside of Quincy before I realize
that my drive home is going to be VERY unpleasant.And by unpleasant, I mean that the fog was so
thick I could see less than ¼ mile in front of me.Are you kidding me???A delayed snow storm only to find myself
stuck in the middle of a thick cloud for the next 4 hours?This is going to be a bad drive.But again, God cares about the little things
– and the not-so little things like getting me home safely.About 5 miles outside of Quincy, I’m driving pretty slow because I’m
totally unfamiliar with this road and a bright red pickup truck flies by
me.I think to myself, “Hey, he sticks
out pretty good.Why not follow
him?”So, I speed up and keep him in my
line of sight for the next 2 hours…and because of him, I knew in advance when
the road would curve.Okay God, I’m
beginning to see how greatly you truly do care for me…
Because of the fog, I drive right past the exit for THE only
gas station right off the road (to my knowledge).I glance at my gas tank reading in the car
and get a little worried because I know that I’ll never make it to Iowa City on
a ¼ tank of gas and there’s no way I’m getting off this unfamiliar road and
driving 15 miles to a gas station…not in this fog.So, I keep following the red truck and pray
that God would show me where the best gas station is…or maybe create a whole
new gas station just for me.(And yes, I
actually said that in my prayer…)After
about 2 hours, and much fretting, I come up over the top of a hill…*drumroll* The fog clears and there is a gas station
sitting right off the road to the left.I nearly cried when I saw it because I was down to about 1/8 of a tank
of gas, which really means I’m almost out of gas in my lovely car.And in case you’re wondering, after seeing it
I remembered the other times I had passed it by on my trips home…so God didn’t
create a new gas station for me, but he did clear the fog so I could see
it.I pull in, fuel up, buy some Wheat
Thins and water and hit the road again.About 2 miles down the road, the fog hits again.Great…and this time, the red truck is long
gone.I start following another car but
it’s going so slow that I know I’ll never beat the snow and sleet home.So, I get brave and pull ahead of it – only
to hit this gigantic wall of fog.I keep
driving and pray that God will keep me safe.About 5 miles after this, I drive out of the fog and the landscape opens
up before me.Again, God cares about the
little things.The rest of my drive was
pretty uneventful.
I pulled into the driveway at exactly 4:00 PM – no
kidding.I go inside to tell Shawn I’m
home safely.Then I put my shoes back on
and go outside to move the car into the garage – and it’s already
sleeting.I hadn’t been home for more
than 20 minutes and the storm hit!Perfect timing on my part – definitely NOT.Rather, it proved again that God cares for
me.
Now, I know this is getting to be a long story but stick
with me until the end.It’s almost
done.As I was mulling over these events
during the next week, my Bible reading plan sent me to 2 Kings 6.Do you know this story?It’s one of the best in the Bible and it had
been such a long time since I’d read it that I had almost forgotten about
it.The king of Aram has sent an army of horses and chariots to Dothan because he wants to destroy Elisha, the prophet of Israel.Elisha’s servant goes out in the morning and
sees the army.He’s terrified and asks,
“Oh no, my lord!What shall we do?”Elisha says, “Don’t
be afraid. Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”Um, Elisha, in case you haven’t noticed, it’s
just you and the servant against this huge army.What are you talking about?Then Elisha prays…
“Open his eyes, Lord,
so that he may see.” Then the Lord
opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and
chariots of fire all around Elisha. ~ 2 King 6:16-17
As I read this passage I was thinking, “I’m definitely like this
servant.”Totally clueless and
oftentimes plain dumb in troubling situations.I see trouble and just throw up my hands.I see the worst of the situation instead of
seeing a situation that God is in control of.He sent horses and chariots of FIRE to surround Elisha!Really?Imagine that!Don’t you wish that
you had eyes to see this kind of God power, this kind of answer??I really wish I had those eyes!
In the next few days, I heard a song on the radio that is based on this
passage (at least in my opinion).I had
heard it before but never really thought about it.These days, I can’t get it out of my
head.It reminds me that I know who is
before me and behind me.I know who is
IN me – the God of “angel armies”.If
you haven’t heard the song, you’ve got to listen to it!
So, to wrap this up – I still don’t have a clue what we are supposed to do
about children.I don’t know if God
wants us to have biological children or just give that up to pursue
adoption.Maybe he wants both, or maybe
just biological children, or maybe just adoption.The only thing I DO know is that He's called
us to be parents – whatever that looks like.So, I don’t have THE answer I was looking for but I now realize that I
have so much more.I have the God of all
the universe looking out for me.He
postponed a snow storm, protected me in the fog with an empty gas tank as I raced against the storm and
barely beat it.If He knows about that
one small day, don’t you think He knows about my heart’s desire?I know He does…so whom (or what) shall I
fear?
Reading about God’s strength today, I read this verse:
“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom
every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of
his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in
your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith – that
you being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all
the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the
love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the
fullness of God.”Ephesians 3:14-19
Now, really
think about this verse and what it’s actually saying.I think that pretty much sums it up.I don’t need to say anything except I think
this will become my new memory verse….
What is joy?Does joy
require happiness or happiness require joy?Not in my opinion.Look at this
verse:
“…as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making
many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.”2 Corinthians 6:10
This verse says a person can be sorrowful yet rejoice, poor
yet rich, have nothing yet possess everything.Lots of contradictions…so in other words, a person can be joyful without
exactly being happy.Happiness,
according to my definition, is something that you have when life is going
well.Joy, by my definition, is
something that wells up within you, regardless of life’s circumstances and it
can’t be contained.So, you may not
always be happy – but you can always be joyful.Here’s another verse that says the same thing:
“Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the
vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be
cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in
the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation.”Habakkuk 3:17-18
How does a person get this joy?
“Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words
became to me a joy and a delight of my heart…”Jeremiah 15:16
No – don’t eat your Bible.Just kidding!But seriously,
reading God’s Word is joy.And
the joy of the Lord is my strength.In
the presence of God, there is joy unspeakable…and yes, reading God’s Word means
being in His presence!
“…for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”Nehemiah 8:10b
“…in your presence there is fullness of joy…”Psalm 16:11
With that said, when you or I feel less than joyful – what
should we do?Well, pick up a Bible and
start reading or pick up a hymnal and start singing or turn on the Christian
radio and start listening.Our sorrow is
temporary, but joy always comes….
“Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the
morning.”Psalm 30:5
(One of my all-time favorite praise songs!)
I had to include this last verse because it speaks of Macedonia – and you know that I love Macedonia!True joy leads to a cup that runneth over and
joy unspeakable leads to an overflow of the heart!
“We want you to know, brothers, about the grace of God that
has been given among the churches of Macedonia, for in a severe test of
affliction, their abundance of joy and their extreme poverty have overflowed in
a wealth of generosity on their part.”2
Corinthians 8:1-2
You know - with all this said, there is ONE thing that would bring the greatest joy in my life. There is a song, that isn't so well known that says it perfectly: "Oh, what a joy it would be just for a moment to lay at the feet of the Lord. Oh, more than anything, that's whatI long for. Oh, what a change it would bring just to look deep in the face in the King who gave all, you gave everything so you could meet with me. Will you meet with me?"
An eye opening study.Today, I looked at God as the Healer and read multiple passages about
that.Funny thing though – I didn’t find
myself drawn to the verses that spoke of physical healing, but rather of
spiritual healing.It didn’t take me
long before I realized that my focus should be on the healing of my faith rather than the healing of my body.So often, we look for physical healing when God just wants us to have a
healthier faith.I need a faith
healing to believe and know that God’s will is good all the time.This is the
sickness I have and this is the healing I need.In this world today, doctors heal our physical bodies – but God does
something totally different…He gives something that the world cannot give.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.Not as the world gives do I give to you.Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let
them be afraid.”John 14:27
And so, I started reading about healing, from a different
perspective.Simply reading the Bible can
alone be healing because it puts my mind at ease, knowing and remembering that
God’s got it all figured out.So all I
need to do is read and believe…and it will be life and healing to me.
“My son, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my
sayings.Let them not escape from your
sight; keep them within your heart.For
they are life to those who find them, and healing to all their flesh.”Proverbs 4:20-22
I read a while longer and came across this verse, and just
paused to think about it.Crying out to
the Lord for help will bring about healing.Oh sure, not the kind of healing that we often think of – but this faith
healing, I want that!A silent time
of prayer, a pleading to God for mercy, a peace that passes understanding – all
because I read my Bible and prayed.
“O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed
me.”Psalm 30:2
I raise my bowed head and open my eyes.I feel
the peace that only comes from Him.I feel the near presence of the One who
has ordained these events in my life.And I praise Him…and know that He will heal my faith in ways I can’t
even imagine.
“And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you
well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.”Mark 5:34
